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ON THIS DAY
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May 4
On this day in 1776, Rhode Island becomes the first American colony to renounce allegiance to King George III. Typical New England liberal elitist pinko communist faggot behavior.
On this day in 1904, construction begins on the Panama Canal, which, when completed, totally fucks up Tierra Del Fuego's stop-over industry.
On this day in 1970, four die (and nine wounded) in Oh-Hi-Oh when National Guardsmen open fire on students protesting Nixon's escalation of the Vietnam War at Kent State University.
On this day in 1979, Iron Lady Margaret Thatcher becomes the first ever female Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, not counting Neville Chamberlain.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"He made a heck of a proposal and was on the General Services Administration list, so we selected him. He came to see me and thank me for selecting him. Then he said something. He said, 'I have a problem with your president.' I said, 'What do you mean?' He said, 'I don't like President Bush.' I thought to myself, 'Brother, you have a disconnect -- the president is elected, I was selected. You wouldn't be getting the contract unless I was sitting here. If you have a problem with the president, don't tell the secretary.' He didn't get the contract. Why should I reward someone who doesn't like the president, so they can use funds to try to campaign against the president? Logic says they don't get the contract. That's the way I believe."
- Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Alphonso Jackson reminisces about the time he withheld a government job from a contractor based on that contractor's personal opinion of Preznit Dubya, which is totally illegal.
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"Closed orders and secret societies, whether they be religious or governmental, are the groups that have the hardest time reforming themselves in the face of failure without outside input."
- Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay, in testimony before Congress on February 9, 2004. When was the last time anyone heard a weapons inspector mention secret societies?
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now suck my cock!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
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Thanks to our old pal Phil for sending in today's second joke.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed: "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Andrea F...
A lady, after having met a lot of men,came to the conclusion that, in this world, there were very few, if any, gentlemen, so she decided to start a search for a real one.
After long, long researches she found that there was still one, living in a small village in the middle of England. She got the correct address and started a trip to the place.
She arrived at the premises of a beautiful old house, with marble stairs and a massive oak door. The house of a real gentleman.
She used the bronze knocker of the door and was greeted by a butler in a green costume and a white wig, who ushered her into a wonderful library. All books were leather covered, the upholstery was also of precious leather and crystal objects were all around. This was for sure a gentleman's library!
Finally, from a distant door a very distinguished fellow appeared: he was dressed in an evening jacket, his hair was white, his mustaches were carefully trimmed. He was walking with solemn, slow paces.
She got up very excited : finally she had found what she had been long looking for.
"Are you really a gentleman?" she asked in a trembling voice.
"Shit! You bet your fat ass I am!"
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: PERPLEXED ABOUT THE "L33TZ"
care of: ACD
9-11 notwithstanding, do you think that if 80 percent of 10 million people, largely elites, who stand to pay the inheritance tax, did not have a man who wanted to not just reduce it but eliminate it in the corner office, that there’d be anything but utter media and corporate contempt for this knuckleheaded administration?
I mean, I know that what most of the country needs and wants are irrelevant, and at the whim of the media -– but the elites KNOW that our government is totally fucked up. The elites are borderline ASHAMED of what's going on. The elites are starting to jump ship, or at least hedge their bets. The elites have no particular fondness for Jesus and Guns. The elites tolerate gays, or even support them. The elites want their kids to learn great science and get into Ivies. The elites are embarrassed when most of the civilized world comes to think we’re bumpkins. The elites smoke a little pot and snort a little coke and don’t want their e-mails or phone calls monitored. The elites have no particular problem with racy movies and radio programmes.
So I understand that the Jethro votes are important at election time, but we know that elections are malleable. And we know that between elections, the elites generally control the timbre of national dialogue. Even if the Jethros LOVE this shit, how is it conceivable that a variety of VERY POWERFUL VOICES aren't crying foul, constantly? How is it that a calculating and cunning Congress isn’t regularly asserting its independence? What is the politico-financial glue that binds the movers and shakers to the sheer idiocy??? The elites ain’t stupid. What is their joint motive?
Is it all bound up in the freakin’ givebacks to the uber-rich and the promised elimination of the inheritance tax? I can’t fathom any other motive that would have them all march in such abject lockstep to the tune of a moronic Pied Piper. Elites don't play that shit. They don't do what a chimp tells them to. I know a lot of elites. Aside from hating taxes, they don’t resemble our government at all.
Perplexed,
ACD
[Dude, the kind of "elites" you're referring to are quaking in their boots right now because they're only just waking up to the fact that they aren't living in the country they thought they were living in. The illusion is slowly melting all around them, and they don't know what to do about it, because there might not be anything to be done. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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MOPJ, I was watching C-SPAN 2 last night when on came a Defense Department briefing featuring Donny Buttsfeld. Watching this man answer questions for 25 minutes is almost scary. He talks of conspirasy, media culpabilty in reporting bad news and on and on. This man is deeply disturbed mentally and has a closely held belief that what he says and does is right. He is controlling and vindictive. His answers about Hayden's nomination as a Military man heading the CIA are very troublesome. I loved the last question of the session. He had to pause and say, "I have to think a minute about that." You can see it at C-SPAN's homepage. Go to Video/Audio about 1/3 of the way down and go to video library then defense/security and watch the press briefing. It is humorous and downright scary. YOP, Bob
[It should be available on this page. - Jerky]
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Jerky; Since you espouse many progressive causes, I think you should know about Moral Politics and Don't Think of an Elephant by Lakoff. He uses cognitive linguistics to understand the radically different "family values" which inform the constellations of progressive and right wing political positions. And they are really fun to read! Dick
[The pile of books by my bedside is already too high. The addition of just a couple more books might make it dangerously unstable, causing it to topple over and crush me in the night. Others, however, are welcome to take your advice and write in with their impressions. - Jerky]
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Okay, Sometimes I miss a DD or two, because of this, that, and the other thing, so, I try to go back to see what the hell I've missed. BUT, it is not available! I think, because it is not archived, yet. By the time it IS archived, I can't remember the date of the one(s) I've missed. I am ANAL about this, (and many other things, like how my drink is made, how my steak is cooked, how my legal sitch is handled, the non 'eye-to-eye version' of the conversations with my Republican't boss, etc,) I LOSE SLEEP over shit like this! How 'bout a special link for the "previous" and the "one before the previous" link? I can only attribute this need to my monkey-fucking, goofy-ass, anal-enganglitudinous, freak-a-zoid-y-ous-ness. Sorry Dude, I'm just trying to be what my forefathers fought so hard for... McTubers
[The archives are updated daily, my friend. If you're checking out the archives pages, you aren't missing anything except the Dirts from 1999 to mid-2001. - Jerky]
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Say J ACD`s remarks re: Weird FOX TV programming reminded me of one I sent you long ago pointing out the grinning idiot's dumb act was just that... AN ACT crossing Homer Simpson with Tommy "Yo-Yo Man" Smothers one half of the late 60`s early 70's folk comedy duo the Smothers Brothers (if you can lay your hands on any footage)... I think you`ll agree, kitty done Houdinied the burlap! yop druid athiest
[Or, alternately, you could say that puppy done Blaine'd the aquarium. - Jerky]
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Herky; Here's a bike for a guy too fat for two wheels. I'm sure you could get a couch up on that thing, probably a bar fridge too. AJC
[You trying to tell me something? - Jerky]
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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Being American is obviously what kills you. Burlap
[Nah... it's all the PBDE foam dust we're breathing in. - Jerky]
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My olp jerky... I have recently researched the Iraq situation and am starting to realize one of the things that has gone wrong. Not just in the current war situation, but here at home where there is so much jingoism and ignorance about the world situation. One hundred or more years ago when Great Britain was a big colony-based empire, the Iraqis had several failed uprisings against their British masters but they always failed because the Iraqis in charge of things were puppets. When Hitler's people came to North Africa they promised the Iraqi people that with their cooperation the Nazis would rid the country of the British imperialists once and for all. So the alliance with Hitler got rid of the Brits who had more important things to worry about (like saving their own asses) and finally the Iraqis were free of foreign dominance. Saddam's uncle was left in charge and as a kid Saddam learned how things were done as a leader to keep control of the people. When the Nazis fell, things went wrong for the Iraqis in charge and I believe they were imprisoned as war criminals. For years these things festered with the common peoples of Iraq and all the various factions managed to get along despite their many differences. When we backed Iraq in the war against Iran, much as we backed the Aghans against the Russians, things were okay since we weren't dictating policy to them. The point is, who could be surprised when they fight the current occupation by Americans and British the way they do? I say get out of the place now and let them have their un civil war. We have screwed these people over enough over the last century, and the insurgency is NOT going to end. Deepest regards and keep up the good work, yolp Mitch
[A rest is as good as a change. - Jerky]
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
feedback@dailydirt.com
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